God is with me all the time and He makes it clear to me :)

I wanted to write something about this last Wednesday at school. I was sitting at this table to do my stuff and hv my lunch before my next lecture den came along a group of freshman girls and a senior NUS undergrad. The girls wanted to join a cell group and the senior NUS undergrad is one of the Campus Crusade (Christian group in NUS and maybe other varsities) leaders and so she was responding to all their questions and stuff. Den all the while i was thinking "God must have brought them here to remind me of His presence".

Den i recalled that the table next to mine was the place where i met a Campus Crusade member in my first yr at NUS. That day i was trying to find a seat to have my lunch and den after much walking finally saw this seat next to a girl who was doing her readings so i asked her if she minded sharing. She didn't so i sat down and saw her Bible on the table and guessed as much that she's a fellow Christian so we kinda talked about stuff and she said that she was just like me - brought up in a Christian family and she made one point that i'll never forget - You have to find out your identity as a Christian, as God's child, and not follow blindly just because your family's Christian. You have to find out your mission as a Christian. I had never thought of that before. Never. She made me realize this important thing and I'm really thankful to God for that cos it was not a mere coincidence that I sat down at that very table that day. Another time was when another Campus Crusade leader came and talked to me. She was trying to spread the Word and spoke to me for a while. Another important realization I found out about myself that day - i discovered that up to this day i am still not in any Christian cell groups/activities to help spread the Word is because I cannot let go of myself and fully put myself in God's hands. I found out that I am afraid that once i fully commit myself to God (which I shld be doing) I would lose my identity and most importantly, myself. I'm so bloody afraid cos I have only found myself after such a long time and even this "myself" is still not fully complete and not strong enough yet (just one knock and i might just break into pieces) - i'm still finding my place in this world and to fully commit myself to God would mean losing myself. I'm afraid I have yet to complete my phase of adolescence (where the task is to find oneself's own identity - psych theory). But that Campus Crusade leader reassured me that I would not lose myself when i commit to God, that i would find an equilibrium that would integrate the old identity with a new one. But i'm still still afraid to take this step. It's been so many years and i'm still stuck at this place before God. He must be so so disappointed in me.

But... to top it off, guess where these tables where i met these leaders are. It's at AS6, the block of Psychology. It's obvious that God had arranged all these for me - that I was supposed to go to NUS and major in Psychology and that I would spend most of my time in school at AS6 where the Campus Crusade people always gather around. Maybe i will finally find myself one day and hand myself to God with confidence.

aunts & uncles

we didn't go to johor after all cos something cropped up in the end and my aunt's family came over with my grandma and my eldest aunt. kinda confusing right? so many aunts. which am i talking about? haha... i'm talking abt my mum's family here and my maternal grannny had 7 kids - 5 aunts, 2 boys.

1) Eldest aunt lives in Penang with her youngest son and his wife (both of whom are very successful engineers with bright futures) with their 2 daughters
- she has 3 sons, is already a grandmother of 6 kids.... at the young age of 59.

2) 2nd aunt = my mum, so technically there's no 2nd aunt - needless to say she has 4 daughters & 1 son and she's oly 51 and doesn't look 51 AT ALL. it's true. It's not because i'm her daughter and so would definitely say tt's she's pretty. she really looks like she's 30 plus.

3) 3rd aunt, lives in Sabah, coming over next Saturday for the first time in.. i dunno... a decade? very long time never see liao...
- she has 3 sons & 1 daughter

4) 4th uncle, lives in Ipoh, where my grandma actually lives (despite all her travelling ard malaysia to stay with her other kids) - he has 3 daughters & 1 son

5) 5th aunt, lives in Jurong (hahaha suddenly a Singapore area, out of all those Malaysian states), yeah she's a PR despite having lived here for more than a decade cos she doesn't want to be a Singaporean. guess her heart belongs to Malaysia.

6) 6th uncle, lives in KL, has 3 sons

7) My youngest aunt whom we always go visiting in Johor - my favorite aunt - cos she's only 39 and still very hip and fashionable and i get along with her very well.

- has 2 kids - a girl & a boy (girl gets along with us very well, very close to us.. the boy... what can i say? sticks to his PS2 all day & is too mischievous for his own good)

on the other hand, my papa's side has...

1) My papa, 51, the eldest son of my paternal grandparents

2) 2nd uncle, 40++, has 1 genius son who is attending my primary school now... hahah... he's a very cute boy but can be very rude, eats lots of cheese and bread.

3) 3rd uncle, 40+, has 1 son & 1 daughter

4) 4th uncle, 30++, has 1 son

- basically my paternal grandparents has 4 sons, and 4 grandsons, 5 granddaughters. 1 grandson for each son. hahha... tt's why tt day at CNY Reunion while my dad and my uncles were playing poker, it was such a funny but warming scene cos every one of them had their sons sitting next to them, engaging in their own father-son bonding sessions all at once. really shld go develop those prints liao... hahah..

A cat likes me!! hahaha...

today i was walking home and at the carpark i saw this cat on the floor and when i came towards it, it rolled on the floor and rolled around, trying to get my attention. it was acting very cute so i meowed back at it... haha... it had a tag on it so i suppose it's someone else's.

talking about cats - i once almost brought a stray cat home when i was in sec 2. i was walking home through Eunos as usual last time then i saw this black small kitten in the carpark i was passing by. the poor cat looked very pitiful and was so so small in size that any normal person wouldn't bear to leave it there in the lurch. so i picked it up and put it on top of my mathematics textbook and carried it in my arms. i walked for a while with it and kept thinking about the ways i could hide it from my mom cos she doesn't allow me to keep pets that will crawl/has fur/feathers cos i have asthma and i am allergic to dust or feathery stuff... but i finally realized that no matter what lie i could invent, my mum would find out anyway and she would make me take the cat away... i hate losing something i like/love so i decided to let the black kitten go...

hmm... now thinking about the pets my family had before

1) a dog me and my sis shared when we were very small kids - technically my grandpa's one haha cos he looks after it and we get to play with it only when we visited my grandparents.. the dog's gone for a long time already...

2) some goldfishes... all dead within a few months... haha

3) small frogs that i bought in sec 2 for a science experiment with some of classmates

4) 2 turtles/tortoises in jc - i let them go a year later cos they are just too boring... hahaha....

talking about pets... me and my family are going to my aunt's house in johor this sat. again!! hahaha... and i get to see lulu again and this time round i will take pics of her and the huge dog - Nicky... yay!! another weekend of break and fun.

i'm back in sch!

hahaha.. yah today's my 2nd day back @ sch. everything's gr8 - the usu queuing up to get my books and queuing up AGAIN to pay for my books and queuing just ONCE more to ask when the books are coming, and getting no answer to that previous enquiry. well... books books books - i'm a big fan of them. Trust me. But 6 books?? for one American Lit. module? I knew that I had to be prepared if i wanted to take a literature module. I was warned way beforehand in my first yr that lit modules are heavy on books. I mean i'm ok if i could just borrow them. But i'm guessing that you have to have the books with you to be able to bring them around with you to use them during classes and to study them to prep for tutorials and of course to bring them with you to the exam since it is after all OPEN-BOOK.

I'm very bad... i noe... i got all the modules that i wanted but yet i'm complaining. But lugging a notebook and 3 thick books with you while traveling 1 and half an hour home is really tiring. The only thing I'm worried about is the American lit module. 6 books for one module, along with 5 other modules. I don't know whether I can do it. I want to do it. I want to do it very well. Tmr's the first lesson. Hope i'll fall in love with it like i always do with my lit classes in sec sch and jc and forget about the heaviness and the effort that i have to put into studying. Hope i will become even more nerdy than i already am. Tmr after school will be book hunting at Bras Basah so that i can buy the books at a price that i won't throw up blood after looking at them. Not to mention lugging around a notebook and perhaps even more books that i would have bought at school. But don't misunderstand. I love school. I really do. it's just the nitty gritty stuff that stands in the way.

My Bio Psy textbook

being sick feels sucky

having runny nose few days liao.. sore throat just recovered. now a bit feverish... hope quickly recover by tmr or else i'll feel sucky whole day tmr at sch. and i can't taste anything at all right now - everything's just saltish or bland.

me and zhihui were talking abt insecurity while we were having lunch. I guess being in a relationship makes you feel insecure at times. Scared that you will lose him. Afraid that you're not good enough for him. Fearful that he will stop loving you. It's normal to feel that way i guess. Human nature.

I really don't know. I like the way my life is right now. Singlehood. Go wherever I want. Do whatever I wish to do. No burdens. No responsibilities. Maybe cos i'm tired of chasing after all these love stuff. if it is going to come, nothing is going to be able to stop it. Love IS after all something that you can't force or push away. I just hope when it happens to me, it's going to be a happy thing. Not something that makes you feel pain everyday.

This girl's birthday today

yup happy birthday to me... my family just celebrated for me.. cut the cake and blew my candles. my mom understands me a lot.. haha.. i was like "can we not celebrate this birthday cos it just reminds me i'm getting old?" but at the same time i still wanted a celebration cos it makes me feel special. and she put 21 candles instead of 22 on the cake - haha... my mom really understands me... gng to have a nice dinner tonight... hehe... thanks for all the birthday wishes...

my "last day" at work

today is sort of my last day at work... my last day as a full time employee lah... haha... i got a chinese couplet (actually a singlet if you will since i only received one haha) from my colleagues that says "jin (3) siew (4) qian (2) cheng (2)" - meaning bright future or something liddat... appreciate it a lot.. although it's a bit too cheena for my taste but my colleagues give one so i really really do appreciate it alot. hehe. plus they waited until 11pm at Chinatown last night for this gift to be ready. i'm very bad right? people give me stuff and yet i'm still picky. my younger sis gave me a necklace last year for my 21st bday and i've never worn it once cos i think it doesn't suit me but i still keep it cos it is after all a special gift from my own sister. i feel very bad about it. aiyo..

haiz... me and zhihui went out today at funan. actually i went der first to challenger to buy a laptop case. then while choosing the case i saw this really nice Targus case and asked the guy at challenger whether it fits my Apple notebook and he was like "no it doesnt fit, it's too big." then he took an ultra ultra ugly case and showed it to me and went off to ask about other cases. i took out my notebook to see if it matched the case i wanted and voila! it totally fitted. stupid sales guy. then he came back and said "sorry we don't have any cases that fits your laptop" and i was like "it's ok this fits." do these guys at Challenger know their stuff or wat?? or do they just sit around all day doing nothing like i saw this guy doing?

my notebook case


anyways... i totally forgot that i was supposed to wait for zhihui to come as well so that she can use her credit card to earn points and i went ahead to pay with my card. it was a total of $50 bucks der after adding in the travelpac cleaning kit - dunno how many pts she could have earned. i'm a really forgetful person... aiyo... old liao lah cannot blame....

then we went to this seafood and steak restaurant called Surf 'N Turfs to have lunch. the service and food are just not up to standard. ordered 3/4 done New York sirloin steak but got a really bloody one. Zhihui's prawn salad roll was not fresh either.. she ended up leaving the prawns one side cos she said they got a fishy smell... and the mudpie wasn't mudpie at all.. it was just flavored ice!!! God.. shld have stuck to Swensen's. and now i have a really bad sore throat so i croak like a frog now. hahaha... we wanted to have a manicure at this shop at Citylink but they were just preparing for their official opening tmr so it opens tmr and not today!! damn.. haiz...

tmr's the doomsday of double 2s for me. Congrats to this old baby. gotta go church tmr (so long never go liao) to thank God for this day, for bringing me to this world for 22 years already. wow... it sounds really long... and i sound really old... 2 decades plus plus.. aiyo... old auntie liao me..

The doc says that i'm anemic

it's confirmed. I'm anemic. i do not have enough blood. cos of too much loss of blood through my period. congrats to me. thanks to anemia i feel dizzy everyday and have shortness of breath every now and then. now i'm really wondering how to get all my blood back. maybe shld go to HSA to get back the 2 packs of blood that i donated in 2003. maybe those 2 packs wldn't be enough also.

i thought all that dizziness was caused by stress at work cos i feel dizzy often in the office but nope... it's because of my major loss of blood these 2 years. the biological explanation is that since i do not have enough blood to carry oxygen to my brain, the brain does not get sufficient blood, thereby causing dizziness, and probably permanent brain damage. ok... don't want to talk abt it anymore liao... must go sleep and let my brain rest more since it's damaged enough already.

pics of my MacBook

here's the thing that i'm fiddling with everyday whenever i get free time for myself...



talking abt free time - i think it's getting very little day by day. just look - morning i wake up and get ready for work, then it's work and work for the rest of the day until 6 plus pm even though i'm supposed to get off at 5.30pm but it seems like work can never end and time just seems to be running away. then i get home and bathe and then from 7 plus to the time i go to sleep it's the very little time that i get to do the things i want and that frame of time is just too little. and even on a holiday like today i can't get to enjoy a full day of relaxing and fiddling with my MacBook but to do things for my mom that i hate cos it just wastes my time. but soon i have to say bye bye to my MacBook and say hi to the things that my mom wants me to do. and she'll never understand that i need to have time for myself especially when the rest of my time are devoted to work. and lucky for me - i'm gng back to school!! which means more time for learning (i sound like a nerd) and more time for my MacBook!! yay!! back to school in 6 days!!

feel so much better now

that bottle of Barcardi rum made me my head go bonkers last night when i was trying to stand up and go into the room, carrying my MacBook. Could hear loud ringing in both ears and my face was fully flushed red. must make mental note: shld not touch alcohol for a long time from now. today's National Day - which means it's four days to my bday which sucks. cos i hate to know that i'm getting old. well one good thing is that i got my MacBook - a birthday treat - hahaha... i always get birthday treats every year for myself - an iPod last yr and a MacBook this year. hmmm... let me think of all my birthday treats...

List of Birthday Treats:

1998 - Backstreet Boys' A Night Out with The Backstreet Boys Boxset
1999 - Backstreet Boys' Millennium CD Limited Edition
2000 - Aiwa CD Player
2001 - Sony Discman
2002 - ??
2003 - ??
2004 - ??
2005 - Apple iPod 20GB White
2006 - Apple MacBook 1.83GHz White

Really can't remember what i bought myself or if i did buy anything myself for 2002 - 2004... old liao mah... haha.
So why not just make a list of the things that i love the most?

List of Favorite Things (in no random order, 1 being most favorite right now)

1) Apple MacBook
2) Apple iPod
3) my study table that I decorated myself
4) my CD collection which is never big enough
5) my earrings and my earrings materials and toolbox
6) my books
7) boards that i made, with pictures from magazines

to show you an idea of what my table looks like - here's some pics

just came back from Esplanade Bay + Barcadi Breezer makes me realize I'm alcohol intolerant

Hi.. long time never blogged.... went out today with my colleague, Crystal. had a fun time talking to her and stuff. we went to esplanade wanting to see the fireworks but were too late... wanted to buy a laptop case but was too late too cos by the time we finished dinner it was already 9 pm then we went to esplanade then back to raffles city then went past SMU to catch a bus home. just reached home only and i drank a bottle of Barcadi Breezer Rum and now i feel very whoozy - think i'm very alcohol intolerant - a little bit only and now my face is burning and heartbeat is beating very fast and feel very heavy liao.... shldnt have tried at all... luckily i don't go to pubs at all, not even once so far in my life cos i'll be dead drunk if i really went.

i saw somebody's blog today and read abt that person's idea about an insect which i so coincidentally saw the other day was trying to do - it was trying to climb out of water and trying so damn hard to survive. i was thinking "keep on pushing ant, you can make it. You gotta get to the dry land." and then i saw this blog just yday - it was like "Bang. Wat??? Why do I keep running into the same things that you do?" anyways - for an update of my drunkenness now - the skin on my hands are red all over liao.. up to my elbows... i really can't drink or else my biological body system will start to react negatively. i shld have learnt after just one can of Tiger beer on Chinese New Year Reunion... what more a Barcadi Breezer containing 5% alcohol. Think i will go sleep soon... really very heavy..... and heartbeat getting faster.

my beautiful white MacBook

hehehehehe... i finally got my MacBook!! after so much waiting and anticipation, i finally got it!! hahaha... so happy... right now happily typing away on this beautiful beautiful white keyboard... and hahaha.... can't stop smiling... the MacBook is basically quite user-friendly except for a few knicks and knacks here and der. but i'm sure i can get used to it in no time. think i'll be up til very late tonight, downloading and transferring all my stuff to this notebook. hehehe... :)

Went around school like a fool today + MacBook here I come!!

Was supposed to go to sch yesterday to get my bill for the semester but it rained heavily so stayed at home to bid for modules and hang out. Then I went today. Didn't go to University Hall straight away but went to the school library to borrow some books on autism. Then went to University Hall, thinking that the place was still there. It was still there at Engineering physically, BUT thing is, University Hall MOVED. I KNEW that it moved to Faculty of Science, but I thought that the new building was some sort of a second building for other departments. Well, since it moved, I had to get over there to get my bill from the Office of Finance which is at the Uni Hall. So i went. Thinking that the Office of Finance was in charge of printing out student bills. And finally got there. Only to find out that now Office of Student Affairs at Yusof Ishak House is the place that i have to go to if i want that single sheet of paper. God, I feel like such a fool. He must be laughing at me as I went round in circles on campus.

But anyways.. I'm finally going to get my MacBook!! This Friday!!! Yay!! Haha... finally!! No more getting hang on my stupid PC.. No more limited memory space!! More time to do stuff. With MacBook, I can set up my website with iWeb which makes things very easy by handling all the HTML codes while I just drag things i want onto a page. With GarageBand, I can record weird noises and sounds. With iSight, I can take pics of my earrings and have video conversations with friends. With Boot Camp, i can use Windows XP even on a Mac and play the Sims 2 and use Microsoft Office. I can even do podcasting and watch videos which won't ever get stuck. Not to mention resume designing banners and avatars with Paint Shop Pro for which i've not done for a long time. Neverending possibilities. And most importantly, i can load all of my songs from my iPod hard disk to iTunes without worrying that there isn't enough space. Think i'm talking like a tech geek. hahahahahaha............ Can't wait for Friday!