God is with me all the time and He makes it clear to me :)

I wanted to write something about this last Wednesday at school. I was sitting at this table to do my stuff and hv my lunch before my next lecture den came along a group of freshman girls and a senior NUS undergrad. The girls wanted to join a cell group and the senior NUS undergrad is one of the Campus Crusade (Christian group in NUS and maybe other varsities) leaders and so she was responding to all their questions and stuff. Den all the while i was thinking "God must have brought them here to remind me of His presence".

Den i recalled that the table next to mine was the place where i met a Campus Crusade member in my first yr at NUS. That day i was trying to find a seat to have my lunch and den after much walking finally saw this seat next to a girl who was doing her readings so i asked her if she minded sharing. She didn't so i sat down and saw her Bible on the table and guessed as much that she's a fellow Christian so we kinda talked about stuff and she said that she was just like me - brought up in a Christian family and she made one point that i'll never forget - You have to find out your identity as a Christian, as God's child, and not follow blindly just because your family's Christian. You have to find out your mission as a Christian. I had never thought of that before. Never. She made me realize this important thing and I'm really thankful to God for that cos it was not a mere coincidence that I sat down at that very table that day. Another time was when another Campus Crusade leader came and talked to me. She was trying to spread the Word and spoke to me for a while. Another important realization I found out about myself that day - i discovered that up to this day i am still not in any Christian cell groups/activities to help spread the Word is because I cannot let go of myself and fully put myself in God's hands. I found out that I am afraid that once i fully commit myself to God (which I shld be doing) I would lose my identity and most importantly, myself. I'm so bloody afraid cos I have only found myself after such a long time and even this "myself" is still not fully complete and not strong enough yet (just one knock and i might just break into pieces) - i'm still finding my place in this world and to fully commit myself to God would mean losing myself. I'm afraid I have yet to complete my phase of adolescence (where the task is to find oneself's own identity - psych theory). But that Campus Crusade leader reassured me that I would not lose myself when i commit to God, that i would find an equilibrium that would integrate the old identity with a new one. But i'm still still afraid to take this step. It's been so many years and i'm still stuck at this place before God. He must be so so disappointed in me.

But... to top it off, guess where these tables where i met these leaders are. It's at AS6, the block of Psychology. It's obvious that God had arranged all these for me - that I was supposed to go to NUS and major in Psychology and that I would spend most of my time in school at AS6 where the Campus Crusade people always gather around. Maybe i will finally find myself one day and hand myself to God with confidence.