I wanna be more confident.

I want to. Because God has created me beautifully and will continue to cultivate my inner beauty. And I have the right to be confident because of what He has done and will continue to do. I wanna be happier and even more cheerful. I wanna be full of energy. To jump and praise Him freely, without any cares and woes of the many eyes that are looking at me. I wanna dance, dance, dance in His freedom. I wanna be that light that shines and makes others want to shine like me too. I don't want to be holding that mic and standing behind that keyboard while singing for Him. It's not supposed to be that way if God is really shining through me. I don't want that old sadness in my eyes (that Huiting saw) to ever need to show up again. I don't need to wallow in self-pity.

I wanna be confident to the extent that I know I can be confident because I know I am SOOOOOO loved by Him and my security lies in Him and not in the approval of man's eyes. These few days have been a struggle for me. A very BIG struggle. But God is faithful. Even when I'm not spending time with Him, He slowly brings me through the events that have happened to let me know that I rely on the approval of man too much.

Even as I talk abt the issue of confidence, I recall what maMa sHarOn was talking to me about the other day. She was asking me to reflect on the spot the differences that I can see in myself ever since I came back last October. I said, "I feel more confident of myself because I find myself doing things that I never dared to do before and it's because God is building this confidence in me". Haha and then she said that I always talk in "morale" sentences, sentences that keeps using the word "God" but never really describing what God has done. She put my words in a much clearer way that made me realize God is much more tangible than I think He is. She said something like, "You feel that you have found acceptance with a (spiritual) family that you've never had before. And this acceptance comes especially from the bonding of Reina and Jia Hui, and the others. And the new confidence arose because of this acceptance. This is a tangible way that shows how God has touched you. God can be tangible also, through your sisters." And now it makes much more sense. Haha. In a later MSN conversation with Sarah, I felt affirmed once again of this confidence that God is slowly building up. She said "Babe just wanna say I think God has really strengthened you :)"

And I just wanna tell everyone of you, my G12 sistas: Yoke Yeong, Eunice, Huiting, Joanna, Wendy, Huiming, Shuan Shuan, Jang, Reina & Sarah - I love alllllllllll of you SOOOO MUCH!!! I appreciate allllll of your love and your unconditional acceptance for me.

Hahha and especially to Eunice, Huiting, Joanna, Shuan Shuan & Reina - thank you for not freaking out about my problem of _ _ _ _ _ TILLOMANIA when I told you guys the story. HAHHA and Shuan2, LOVE YAH for your thoughtful thought of buying the Good-Look serum for me! I feel so LOVED lah by everybody! HAHAS.

I just wanna praise the Lord cos looking back on this one year, God has really changed me in many ways. Ways that the old me could never have anticipated.
Just one small example: I hated social interactions in the past. I hated having to make small-talk to people cos I just wanted to have nothing to do with people, except for my family, during those dark years. But now, I feel so open to even talk to strangers. Because I no longer need to hide. And I no longer need to avoid looking at myself in the mirror.

Labels: acceptance, confidence, God, sistas