sentimentality + memories are part of you + i think i hate my dad

it's 4.44am right now. and i'm not in bed yet. prob will go to bed after this. didn't sleep well yday cos the TV was so damn loud. My dad loves his tv loud, despite the fact that it's alrdy 5am in the morning and everyone's in bed. and when i finally got 2 slp, it was just for like 1 hour. cos something happened between my dad and my bro. a bit tired to get to tt part. maybe will talk abt it someday but just not now. then since i cldn't get to slp cos of that thing, i went to GE library. borrowed some bks. and noticed tt GMSS is not going to be on time for June.

By right it should be cos that's what i heard from a junior. but apparently, the design & tech block isn't torn down yet. neither are a few of the other buildings. the only one tt i'm sure is torn down is the canteen cos you can see that big empty space in between all of the buildings. which is kind of sad to see cos that's a place where i hung out a lot last time. but looking at the rest of the old buildings makes me wish that all of them were torn down immediately cos they look so pitiful and old, i can't stand looking at them.

talking abt things that are old, i just remembered that i did this personality thing the other day and my results said that i dwell on the past and it's hard for me to move on to the present. Pretty accurate. I do dwell on the past and zhuan niu jiao jian (drill with the cow's hoof??)/not move on. hmm.. maybe not the not moving on part cos i do move on. i have to what.. but the dwelling part yes. i think i kind of like to hold on to my memories a lot. I guess like all other human beings, I choose to remember things that are happy. but also unlike others, I choose to remember times when I'm not so happy. someone said that i was sentimental. i always associate the word "sentimental" to a picture where this middle-aged guy holds onto his gold pocket watch and he looks at it intently. I seriously do not know whether it's good to be sentimental or not but i'm happy to say that I like the fact that I can remember these episodes of my life in my mind. because they are kind of like the building blocks of my life without which i think i'd probably collapse. i guess then the worst thing that could happen to me is getting Alzheimer's cos then that would take away my blocks. but how nice would it be to be able to take away the sad parts esp if they are sad to the point where they pierce through somewhere that hurts so much? then life wouldn't be as complex & you'd be as carefree as a bird. i guess that's why i'm not a bird, but a living human.

i said i didn't want 2 talk abt my dad and bro for now. but i think i'd better when the memory is still fresh in my mind but i don't feel like gng in2 details so i'm just gonna write notes.
- ran out of my room when i heard "get out of the house now!"
- threatened to go with my bro if my dad insisted he got out of the house
- sister cried
- so wanted to say "what kind of a father are you to give up on your child like that? were you ever there for him? did u ever speak nicely to him? all you did was yell and pick up the cane and say he's useless!" times have changed liao lor! you can't teach him like you did with us!
- you say i defend him. Yes i do defend him. and i have to. why? cos ur acting the way you are.

i think i'm starting to hate my dad. at the good old age of 21. cheers.

feeling: tired, angry.