There is something I want to say but I can't.

You know sometimes you just wish you could say something out loud to someone, anyone, or anything but you just can't? Like when you shake a can of Pepsi and at that moment when you're just about to pull the cap off but haven't yet done so? the gas is pushing towards the top, just about to burst but not yet, not just yet. I feel like that Pepsi right now, about to explode but there's something that's telling me not to at this point of time, which just feels so frustrating and uncomfortable. I've kept it for so long, suppressed it for so long, for like over a decade - and I still can't say it because i'm scared.

I'm scared that I will lose something if I were to say it. and if I lose it, it probably will not come back to me anymore. and it's too much to risk. but if i don't tell it, i wouldn't know if I would get the answer that I want. or what would happen after that. so i seriously don't know if i should just hide it in my heart or should i take it out of my heart. i'm too scared of that feeling when you release something so secret out of your heart like a bubble and it gets bursted and your heart feels like it's glass and pushed to the floor and it crashes into pieces. if i only i could release it safely, knowing that it will land onto something soft, like a cloud, and feel protected.

You know people do things for a reason right? sometimes other people just don't get it. they're blunt like hell and just don't plain get it. and that's what's frustrating. and you can't tell it to their face. i really don't know how to do this anymore... running around or perhaps after something that is too far away - is just far too tiring and confusing. maybe i should stop running. i'm bad at chasing and running anyway. the more i chase, the faster it runs. so why bother.

mood: scared, frustrated, angry, confused.
music: Street Map by Athlete
what I'm doing now: questioning myself and trying to second-guess