Am I an underachiever?

Hey guys!! the third day of Christmas and counting.. Had a great day today - had fun just now with my siblings playing "Signal", "Stress", "Heart Attack" and the original game on UNO. Had so much laughter that my head really hurt - my brain felt like it was almost ready to burst (no kidding - really painful - had to lie down every time i laughed). But today's tiring too - had to cook dinner for everyone cos my mum and sisters went out shoppping for New Year clothes. Fried fishballs, fried fish chop leftovers, fried eggs with chopped long beans and stir-fried "chye sim".

Then i chatted with Zhihui on MSN for a while - she asked me when have I not met my expectations (for exams and sch stuff) - I don't really expect that I get really get good grades for my exams this time around cos i knew i would do badly since i left my studying to the end. But when i really prepare for my exams and stuff like that - like writing a good essay, or doing well in my English papers - I would expect myself to do well because this is what I'm good at without even trying (I've always loved English). But somehow i think maybe I'm an underachiever cos I know that if i had studied way beforehand, I would do really well. But my procastination always gets to me. If i had really studied for my A levels - i could have gotten a scholarship good enough for me to study in US. If i had really studied well for my O levels, i could have gone to Raffles JC. But somehow i just manage to always leave my studying so near to my exams that i can only do well enough to make it through.

But when i reach that stage when i know it's almost too late - i would tell myself this - "Just do your best and hope for the best - hope that everything will be ok. Just do my best and let it go - don't think about it until that day comes." This is what I tell myself. So this is probably why I'm an underachiever. I don't believe I'm stupid cos if i were really stupid, I wouldn't have gotten so far. And my family friends always tell me that i'm intelligent. My mum loves to say this "You can do anything - it's only a matter of whether you want it or not." I think it is really true. If you have the heart to do something, nothing can stop you.

But since I know that i didn't study well enough for my exams - there really is nothing to expect except for bad results. (I would only expect myself to do well in something that I'm really good at or something that I've spent loads of effort in) Can't blame anyone but myself right? But there's no use in blaming too - so might as well just move on and focus on the next time round. Therefore, my New Year resolution is: attend every lecture and tutorial and do well enough to pull my CAP back up to at least 2.8 so that I can get to 3.2 in the 1st semester of my 3rd year and then at least 3.5 in the final semester so that i can go on to my honours year. I really want to research in the speech and language areas in psychology.

I know that my BFF, Zhihui, always has high expectations for herself. So do my sisters - Siew Chien and Xiu Qin. My elder sis, Siew Chien, had very high expectations of her A level results but when she found out she did badly, she just stopped believing in herself and God. I think she blames God for her A levels. My younger sis, Xiu Qin, is just like her. I believe if she were to do badly for her O levels (touch wood!!), she would suffer a huge blow.

Try looking at it from another view. Maybe the fact that you did badly in your exams because it is a test that God has given you? That you should try harder next time round? I think that the process of getting back on your feet again to fight this battle is itself a test, a trial that God wants to put you through. So that you will become stronger and be able to fight the next battle with more grit and determination. Don't think that I'm able to say all these so easily this since I have done well for my O & A levels. I've experienced this very test when i had to repeat my first year in JC. It was a lesson well learnt and I would never walk this road again. And I can definitely say I'm stronger than ever before. And I thank God for that.

So dear BFF, i know you're reading this - Don't be hard on yourself 'cos you know you've done your best and that is the most important thing. Learn to let go and move on cos then you'll be a happier person. Trust me, lol.